Hot Cranky People

Stopped by the Safeway today for a few things, and as I got to the front of the checkout line I smiled and said to the cashier, “How are you?”.

“I’m here.” was her brusque reply.

This was a burly, tough looking woman. A woman who might drive a truck. Or cattle.

As she started to ring up my items, she burst into a horrendous hacking cough. The cough of a 3 pack a day smoker. With pneumonia. And a ferret in her throat.

Gross.

She continued to cough away, picking up my items one by one and running them over the scanner.

“Awwww just take me out back and shoot me”, she sort of yelled in her gravelly and slightly manly voice, to nobody in particular.

At some point she had a particularly drastic hacking fit and then winced, grabbing her neck in pain. She sort of stepped away, and coughed some more. She turned back to me with her runny beady eyes, her head at a funny angle, and said, “Great. Guess I’m going back to the hospital tonight.”

Bummer.

Wait, what?

I mentioned that that didn’t sound like a fun way to spend a Saturday night, when really all I could think was I can’t believe YOU ARE TOUCHING ALL OF MY FOOD ITEMS.

“Yeah, maybe this cold’ll finally get me to quit smokin’.”

Or maybe it will get you to STOP TOUCHING ALL OF MY FOOD ITEMS.

People, if your job requires you to TOUCH PEOPLE’S FOOD ITEMS and you are so sick you need to be hospitalized…MORE THAN ONCE…please stay home.

She did get a palmful of sanitizer from a pump by the register before she handed me my change. Somehow that didn’t make me feel any better about the whole situation.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go bathe in Purell. With my food items.

When I first moved to California, I brought some furniture I ended up not needing. I was pointed to Freecycle, which is a great way to get rid of your stuff without crowding the landfills. It’s basically a mailing list, and you can post that you have something to offer, or that you are looking for something in particular. The lists for my area get a lot of traffic, and it’s pretty amazing how much stuff gets passed along.

I soon learned that PEOPLE WILL OFFER ANYTHING.

And SOMEONE WILL TAKE IT.

Anything.

Today a friend of mine finally took my advice and used Freecyle to get rid of his moving boxes. This reminded me that I used to keep a list of some of my favorite entries. So I dug it up:

OFFER: Llama fiber.
I also have a bag of llama fiber, from a shearing. It still contains
all of the guard hairs, etc. Probably a couple of pounds (needs to be
cleaned and carded). This is really nice when carded with wool.

Llama fiber. Who knew?

Wanted: 4 Laying hens.
Any breed. No roosters please.

Mind you, this is from the Palo Alto list.

OFFER: 32oz. tub of Whole Milk Vanilla Yogurt
With cream on top.

Because just a plain tub of SOMEONE ELSE’S YOGURT might not be worth responding to, but THERE’S CREAM ON TOP.

OFFER: outdated coffee
Found several half empty sacks of coffee in the freezer. I think they
are from 2003. Also have packets from hotel stays for the in-room
coffee maker.

You can’t make this stuff up.

OFFER: Special needs pet rat needs good home
Albino female is blind, and slightly paralyzed on one side. Cage and
accessories (including her best friend – a healthy, spotted female
rat) are also available. Both rats are roughly 1 year old.

Serious offers of loving new homes only, please. If she ends up as
snake food (intentionally) karma will take care of you.

I got nothin’.

A couple of weeks ago, my sister, her husband, and my little nephew came down to spend the day with me. After a lovely lunch, we stopped by the crazy Asian grocery store that I’ve mentioned before. It’s called the Golden Phoenix, but I have lovingly shortened it to “The Go Pho”. I visit there pretty frequently these days.

My BIL was delighted to find his favorite lychee candy there, and bought a bag to take home.

Yesterday I received this email from him:

Hey, so I was eating this delicious lychee candy that I bought at the Go Pho, a big ol’ trippy Asian market near sallypnut’s house, when I decided to read the back of the bag. the warning is great, and culminates in one of my favorite lines ever:

“When you choke this in throat, lie prone and vomit it by beating back at once.”

makes me glad I made it through the bag without serious injury.